Bring Sexy Back
The good old days
You remember the passion of early on in your relationship… spending all day long, simmering with longing… looking forward to nightfall when you could see your mate and rip his clothes off.
Those were the days. Now, if you want to get hot, you lean against the stove.
“Women especially shut down sexually after being with a man over time because their heart gets wounded and the man doesn’t know how to heal it. A woman’s heart is connected to her womb. If her heart is wounded, it will close. If her heart is closed…her legs are closed,” says couples counselor Jane Fendelman, MC (www.JaneFendelman.com). She supports the use of tantric sex and the ancient healing arts in bridging the gap.
Show your love
Staying sexy and keeping the romance alive is intrinsic to making it last. Nicole Matthias, president of badfun.com, says some ideas to resuscitate romance are:
- Leave a love note– Leaving a note for your love is a thoughtful and easy way to let them know that you’re thinking about them. Just leave a little note on the bathroom mirror, refrigerator, in their briefcase, etc that says something sweet such as “Have a good day!” or “I can’t wait to see you tonight” or even “Will be thinking of you today.” This unexpected find can not only brighten their day but remind them that you love them.
- Surprise dinner – Instead of picking up takeout on the way home, plan to make their favorite meal and eat it with the TV off! Light candles and set the table with the good china and get a nice bottle of wine. The time you put into it is what makes it special.
- Send an e-card – There are lots of sites that offer free e-cards and all it takes is a few minutes during your lunch break to pick one, personalize it and send it off. It’s a welcomed interruption to their gazillion junk mail, conference reminder emails and customer emails.
- Lingerie fashion show – You can do it all in one night or for an entire week. Ladies, you can try on lingerie and do a little runway walk or sexy dance. Keep changing outfits while he admires your body in each one. Add some edibles into the mix for a few outfits or special hands on feature. Gentleman: Pick out some lingerie items that you want to see her in and have her model them for you. We want to know what you like!
- Sexual adventure – Instead of leaving Hershey kisses in the shape of a heart on the bed, try chocolate body topping. Make it romantic and sexy by taking your time licking it off their body from top to bottom. When you spend time adoring their body you let them know that you truly care about them and their pleasure.
- Don’t wait – Don’t wait for a special occasion to do something romantic. It’s almost expected and therefore loses some of its meaning. You want to surprise them with something small but thoughtful that expresses your love in a different way than usual. Reminders of your feelings for your lover won’t go unappreciated!
- Bring In some friends- I’m talking about sexual enhancers, adult toys or massage oils. Sometimes adding something a little extra can cause you to linger on your lover’s hot spots a little longer. There are a number of products that are great for couples. I recommend a vibrating erection ring. It helps him to last longer while providing her with maximum pleasure.
Lisa Steadman, a relationship journalist for The Breakup Chronicles, http://www.BreakupChronicles.com and author of It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown says: “Whether you’re married for years, have children, and/or just feel the spark is waning, it’s important to reignite that spark. You may need a shift in thinking. First, start thinking of your relationship as a third party. You, your partner, and the relationship are all active members of the same triangle. Not only do you and your partner have needs, but your relationship has needs. If you neglect it, you lose the spark.”
How do you reclaim the spark? She advises: “Make time for slowing down, i.e. turn the TV off, set aside time to not talk about the kids, the bills, the debt, work. Talk to the other person about them. Light candles, listen to soft music, touch without being sexual. Just BE together. Kiss. Be kind, nurturing. Give back rubs. Go on a date. Invite play into the bedroom. Whether that’s cuddling, toys, sexy lingerie, whatever works for both of you. Don’t always make this time about sex. Sometimes in order to get back to sex, you need to first get back to loving and being loved as a couple. Stimulate your senses to stimulate the sexual/sensual appetite.”
How men are like puppies
“In a way, men sometimes are like cute pet puppies. A man would much rather roll around in the mud or dig holes in the yard than spend time making his relationship better,” Dr. McClary says. “Now I am not saying men are like dogs or that they should come panting when you whistle. I am saying that many lessons about living with men can be learned from observing ever-faithful canine companions. All obedience schools are based on the reward system, so it’s probably worth applying some of their basic principles.”
Dr. McClary also has seven tips to keeping romance alive:
- Have a weekly date night. Take turns deciding what each of you would like to do each time. Have fun being together, just the two of you, for a few hours each week. Go out to eat, on a picnic, for a walk, play miniature golf, to the office and fool around, go bowling, and on and on.
- Drop it! Let go of all the past crap he’s put you through. Start fresh, right now. Begin making new memories. Discover each other all over again. After all, he’s dating a new, wonderful, wild woman. Let the woman be fully present on your “dates.”
- Be passionate! No more little pecks on the check, little shoulder top hugs, or weak “love ya’s.” Come on you empowered woman! Go the distance. At least once a day, kiss him like you really mean it. When you hug each other, make sure you give a full-blown, juicy, full body bear hug (stiffness or tense hugging does not count). When he says “love ya,” stop what you are doing, walk over to him, look him in the eyes, and say “I love you, too. I mean I really do love you!” Enjoy the feelings this invokes
- Go the extra mile. Leave love notes, send cards, take him out to dinner, dance with him or for him, make him lemonade and cookies — do something a little extra, just for him, and just for the heck of it.
- Notice him. When he comes home, stop for a minute and welcome him home. If he’s home before you, acknowledge his presence in a loving way. Remember, you are healed and whole now. This will make you feel good, like you are giving him the precious gift of being loved by you.
- Take vacations together. Make sure that at least one vacation, even if just for a weekend or one full night, is just for the two of you.
- When you feel you and your man have finally developed Real Love, get married again.Jim and I went to Las Vegas to the Mission of the Bells chapel. It was great. The re-marriage package included a limo with a bar and TV (I had to promptly confiscate the remote), the church service, minister, music, flowers, and champagne. It was perfect! All that was missing was an Elvis impersonator to “give me away!” We honeymooned at Caesar’s Palace. The best part was that my ever-awakening husband planned every bit of this. A Real Love marriage, and honeymoon — aah, life doesn’t get much better than that.
What do fear and sex have in common?
Terri Orbuch, PhD, better known as television and radio’s Love Doctor (drterrithelovedoctor.com), who specializes in marriage, modern dating, love, and sex, offers the following tips:
- Add a new or exciting element into your life. When your marital sex life is in the doldrums, an effective remedy is get you and your partner excited–out of bed. This could be anything from skiing to taking a cooking class to going on a mystery date. It transmits the subliminal message of freshness, energy, and unpredictability–just what you want in the sack.
- Be afraid–be very afraid. Plan an activity that scares the living daylights out of you and your partner. Go on a roller coaster ride or see a scary movie. Studies show that activities producing fear and excitement produce hormones associated with sexual arousal.
- Practice small endearments. Make an effort to kiss him when you see him. Hold hands when you go out. Snuggle while you watch TV. Studies show that people feel more connected to their partners when they hold hands, hug, kiss, and cuddle. This closeness leads to more and better sex.
- Surprise him with an erotic email. Send your partner a sexy email or give him a call out of the blue in the middle of the day. Showing your guy that you’re hot for him, even during your busy day, is very exciting to males.
- Reacquaint yourselves. When was the last time you two talked about something other than work and family? Ask him about his dreams. Ask him to tell you about his favorite pre-marriage vacation. Get to know him again just like you did on your first dates. It will work wonders on your love life.
- Get a tune-up. There’s nothing wrong with relationship workshops. In fact, there are so many fun ones these days that you and your guy might just want to make it an annual event. The whole point of these events is to get two people loving again. Take a tip or two from pros–that’s what they’re good at. You change your oil every 5,000 miles, don’t you? Why not put a little effort into your sex life and relationship?
Help him stay in love with you
Often the hardest aspect is trying to understand what the man in our life is thinking. Michael French, author of WHY MEN FALL OUT OF LOVE: What Every Woman Needs to Understand, explains why men fall out of love, and offers tips on how to bring some excitement back into any marriage or relationship. In his book, French presents a fascinating look at men’s deepest feelings, identifying the key issues that can unravel even the tightest bonds, and has even identified the four top relationship busters:
- Loss of intimacy – when a man feels rejected by his partner;
- The quest for validation – which stems from low self-esteem, and a man’s continual search for approval and acceptance;
- The perfection impulse – the tendency of men to mask low self-esteem with achievement;
- The fading of attraction – when men tell their partners they’re no longer attracted to them, they’re masking the real reason for their loss of interest – that they’re not getting enough love.
“Libido is like a muscle — use it or lose it! That means you have to make a habit of lovemaking. The more you do it — the more you’ll feel like doing it,” says Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D, a psychologist who specializes in relationship coaching. So, ladies, you heard the doctor, go out and get some “exercise.”
If that fails, there’s always chocolate.